Get ready to laugh out loud with these 80+ jokes about the United Kingdom, the English and all sorts of British stereotypes. Some might get a little dark, so don’t take the jokes in this article too seriously. We all have to learn to laugh about ourselves every once in a while.

Of course, these jokes are based on stereotypes, so don’t get offended if you are a reader from the UK, especially when it comes to the English football jokes.

Every nationality has its features that others love to joke about, so we’re just here to supply you with some comedy material for your UK friends.

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Short jokes about the United Kingdom

Jokes don’t have to be complicated and long, and if you’re just looking for a quick laugh, you’ll love these short and sweet jokes about the United Kingdom.

1. “I bought some new “London Bridge Jeans.” They keep falling down.”

2. “A skeleton walks into a pub and says, ‘Give me a cider and a mop, please.’”

3. “My British cousin recently opened up her own fish and chips shop. She named it ‘Oh My Cod.’”

4. “They say us British people like to join queues. We don’t and I will be first in line to tell you that.”

5. “Kate Middleton went into labor on July 22nd in London. When the rest of the Royal Family heard, they were like, ‘Oh my God….what’s “labor”?’”

6. “I was in the pub when a guy called me a cheapskate. So I threw his drink in his face.”

7. “The Beatles all walk into an orange underwater vehicle. Oops, wrong sub.”

8. “My father is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London. He works around the clock.”

9. “A woman just fainted whilst riding The London Eye. She’s slowly coming round.”

10. “Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns? It was a play on words.”

11. “I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean. They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.”

12. “Brits prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when it comes to cleaning their floors. But that might be a sweeping generalization.”

Funniest jokes and one-liners about England and the UK

Here are the best jokes about England and the entire UK in the form of one-liners.

13. “What do you call someone that is only kind of from Britain? Brit-ish”

14. “What do British people call a mountain they’ve forgotten the name of? Summit”

15. “What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime.”

16. “What do you call a British tea that you’re unsure about? Uncer-tea-n”

17. “Why did the Queen go to the dentist? Because she wanted to get her ‘crown’ checked”

18. “What do you call London without electricity? Londoff.”

19. “What’s the largest export of Great Britain? Independence days.”

20. “The past tense of William Shakespeare Wouldiwas Shookspeared.”

21. “Why don’t Americans spell ‘color’ like ‘colour’? It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.”

22. “What do Great Britain and bad houseguests have in common? They take forever to leave…”

23. “What is the longest word in the English language? ‘Smiles.’ Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.”

24. “What do people like to wear in England? Tea-shirts”

25. “What do you call a Dollar Store in England? Pound Town.”

26. “Why did pirates never sail down the River Thames? ‘Scurvy.”

27. “The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died. Tributes have been lead by J.K. Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.”

28. “What did Shakespeare call his shower? McBath.”

29. “What’s the most common owl in the UK? The Teat Owl”

30. “What do you call a London train that is full of lecturers? A tube filled with smarties.”

31. “Why doesn’t England have a designated kidney bank? They have a Liverpool.”

32. “Where was a bunch of British people attacked by a gang of chickens? Peckham.”

33. “I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit… Which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.”

34. “Why are penguins so scared of entering Great Britain? They don’t like to go near Wales.”

35. “Why did the evil man try to poison the baker and his assistant? He wanted to try killing two Brits with a scone.”

36. “Why shouldn’t you argue with someone while riding the London Eye? There’s no point, you’ll just keep moving in circles.”

37. “What’s an English person’s favourite day? Summer”

38. “What do you call it when a British person takes a really good look at something? A propaganda”

39. “How do you really pronounce Worcestershire Sauce? It doesn’t matter: if you’ve tasted it once, you’ll never ask for it again as long as you’re alive.”

40. “What do British people eat with everything? Spices from other countries.”

41. “How can you tell that someone is from a town that ends in -shire? You’ll have no idea what else they were saying.”

42. “Why was Gareth Southgate speeding? To get three points!”

43. “What does the Loch Ness monster eat? Fish and Ships”

44. “What time was it when the monster ate the British prime minister? Eight P.M.”

45. “What did America say to Britain when it fell over? U.K?”

Funniest jokes about the United Kingdom

These jokes about the United Kingdom are a bit longer, with plenty of funny punchlines.

46. “Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it.

Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, ‘How do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?’ The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, ‘Your parents have a child; it’s not your brother, it’s not your sister, who is it?’ Tony replies ‘Well, of course, it’s me.’

Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally, he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, ‘Your parents have a child; it’s not your brother, it’s not your sister, who is it?’

The general replies ‘Of course, it’s me.’ So Biden goes back to Obama and says ‘It’s General so and so,’ Obama replies, ‘No, you idiot, it’s Tony Blair!'”

47. “An Englishman arrives at JFK airport. It’s his turn to have his passport checked.

The border control agent looks at the passport for several minutes, stopping to check his face.

Eventually, he asks ‘Occupation?’ The Englishman replied ‘No, holiday.'”

48. “Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen, and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island.

The two Scotsmen got together and started a bank; the two Welshmen got together and started a choir; the two Irishmen got together and started a fight; The two Englishmen never spoke to each other – they hadn’t been introduced!”

Jokes about English pubs

There is nothing quite like having a pint at a pub in England. Here are the best UK pub jokes we could find.

49. “I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.

I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, ‘Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?

I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time at a quick pace.

He then looked at me really sad and said, ‘I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.’ I said, ‘Why what have you got?’ He said, ‘About £3.50.’”

50. “An English man walks into a pub. That’s it. That’s his whole day.”

51. “A man goes into a bar with his small pet newt called Tiny. ‘A pint for me and a half for Tiny, please,’ he says to the landlord. The landlord asks, ‘Why do you name him Tiny?’ The man replies, ‘Because he’s my newt.’”

52. “‘Poor old fool,’ thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, ‘So how many have you caught today?’ The old man replied, ‘You’re the eighth.’”

53. “A woman says to her husband, ‘Grab your jacket I’m going to the pub.’ He asks, ‘Oh, are you taking me with you?’ ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’”

54. “A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, ‘Has my brother been in for a drink here today?’ The barman looks at the penguin and says, ‘I’m not sure. What does he look like?’”

55. “Two German agents walk into a pub in London during WW2 and one of them said to the waiter, ‘Two martinis, please.’ The barman asked, ‘Dry?’ To which the customer replied, ‘Nein! Zwei!’”

56. “The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile Inn.”

57. “A Texan walks into a pub in London and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ‘I hear you English are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of beer back-to-back.’

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ‘Is your bet still good?’, asks the Englishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of beer. Immediately the Englishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Englishman the $500 and says, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’ The Englishman replies, ‘Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’”

58. “After a heavy night at the pub, I was rudely awakened by my neighbour cutting his grass. Sod it I thought, he can mow around me.”

59. “Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and then they begin to eat them. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims,

‘Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!’ The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and then exchange sandwiches.”

60. “A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, ‘£17, please.’

The polar bear pays and takes a seat.

Bemused, the barman approaches and says, ‘This is exciting, we don’t get many polar bears in here!’

To which the polar bear replies, ‘I’m not surprised with beer at £17 a pint.’”

61. “The pub is ten minutes from my house. However, my house is two hours from the pub.”

62. “A nun is standing outside a pub when a man comes around the corner, planning to pop in for an after-work pint. Before he can, the nun points at him and says: ‘Before you enter that den of sin, think of your mother and father!’

The man wipes away a tear, ‘They’re both dead, god bless ’em. Up in heaven.’

‘Well, think of the damage it does to your body!’ the nun replies. ‘What are you talkin’ about?’ asks the man.

‘Have you even had a drink before?’ ‘Never touched a drop,’ the nun replies proudly.

‘Well then, how can ye be against it if ye haven’t touched it? Tell you what, I’ll buy you a drink, and after you’ve had it, you can talk to me about alcohol. What’ll you have, sister?’

‘I don’t know, what do ladies usually have?’ asked the nun.

‘Gin,’ the man replies. ‘Alright then, I’ll have a Gin. But get them to put it in a cup, so nobody notices.’

The man nods, goes inside and repeats the order to the barman,

‘I’ll have a pint of beer, and a double gin, but put it in a cup.’ The barman shakes his head, ‘Is that bloody nun out there again?!'”

63. “I went to a pub and asked the barman for the wifi password. He said, ‘youhavetobuyabeerfirst.’ So I bought a beer and asked again for the password. He gave me the same answer.”

64. “Why do British people go to the pub? Because you’re not allowed to drink beer in an Asda.”

Jokes about English football

Find the best jokes about English football here.

65. “What’s the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City? Chrome has history.”

66. “What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus? I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.”

67. “What’s the difference between a triangle and Manchester United? A triangle has three points.”

68. “Why is it that England football players can’t have dogs? Because they can’t hold on to a lead.”

69. “What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.”

70. “What’s the difference between the England team and a tea-bag? The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.”

71. “Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.”

72. “What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup? Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.”

Jokes about Brexit

Brexit may be over, but sometimes, the best way to make light of a tough situation is to joke about it.

73. “What do you call a restaurant that only serves pancakes? All Day Brexit.”

74. “How much space has the EU left? 1GB.”

75. “What did Britain say to its trade partners? See EU later.”

76. “How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels!”

77. “Person 1: I’ve taught my dog how to speak English.
Person 2: Nonsense! Dogs can’t talk!
Person 1: They can! See, watch this.
Person 1: (turns to dog) What’s the state of the current situation in the UK?
Dog: Ruff. Ruff”

78. “My father is a Brexit negotiator. As was his father before him.”

79. “I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit… Which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.”

80. “Why did they name it Brexit? They should have gone for the Great British Break Off!”

81. “What do Brexit and my dog have in common? They beg to be let out, but just sit at the door when they finally are.”

82. “An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a bar. The Englishman wanted to go, so they all had to leave.”

83. “How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.”

Did I miss anything?
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