Get ready to laugh out loud with these funny jokes about Americans and the US. Some might get a little dark, so don’t take the jokes in this article too seriously. We all have to learn to laugh about ourselves every once in a while.
Most jokes about the US have a punch line insinuating that Americans can be a bit uneducated, overweight, and quick to start a war. Of course, these are stereotypes, so don’t get offended if you are an American reader.
Every nationality has its features that others love to joke about, so we’re just here to supply you with some comedy material for your American friends.
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Best jokes about Americans
Americans are often the subjects of jokes, and we collected the funniest ones.
1. How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on “how funny-looking” local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don’t come out.
2. Four literary scholars are conversing over drinks after a day at an international meeting. As the drinks begin to take effect, the British expert begins bragging.
“Britain produced the finest form of literary expression in the sonnet,” he says. “It’s fourteen lines of perfect romantic expression.”
The Irish scholar retorts, “Ireland produced a far more effective and efficient literary form in the limerick. In just five lines, we can express a variety of thoughts, many of them making fun of you Brits”.
The Japanese savant calmly says “In Japan we have perfected literary expression in the haiku. We express the most profound concepts in just three lines and seventeen syllables.”
The American jumps up and says, “Well, we can beat that. We’ve perfected communication with a one-unit literary form, and we’ve covered our entire country with it. It’s the billboard”.
3. How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, you can’t change anything in the United States.
4. What’s the difference between Americans and the engines of the jets on which they travel abroad? After they land, the engines of the jets quit whining.
5. Why did the American cheese apply for a job at the bakery? Because it wanted to be the “grate”-est!
6. Transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
7. A first grade teacher in Canada explains to her class that she is an American. She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I am not an American.” says Kristen
“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.” The teacher is now angry.
“That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”
8. Being an American right now is sort of like being a fan of The Office the last couple seasons…you want to still believe in it, but Michael Scott is gone, James Spader is there for some reason, and Jim and Pam aren’t much fun anymore.
9. On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of bears and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.” God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants will prosper. I shall call these inhabitants “Canadians”, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”
“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?”
“Not really,” replied God. “Just wait and see the neighbors I’m going to give them.
10. A French in Paris asks a tourist: “Do you want to hear one funny story about stupid Americans?”
“Hey, careful there, I’M AMERICAN!”, the man replies.
“No problems”, the French man replies, “I can tell this story twice, if you don’t understand at first.”
11. An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up. As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?” To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “Where are we?”
“He doesn’t speak English” replies the husband.
12. Some Canadians were fishing in Lake Erie, and the wind gradually blew them into American waters. After a couple of hours, an American coast guard boat came alongside.
“You guys aren’t allowed to fish here. You can only catch Canadian fish!”
“We are only catching Canadian fish.”
“What are you talking about? You are in American waters, so you are catching American fish.”
“Nah, whenever we catch one with a big mouth, we throw it back.”
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13. A Vietnamese farmer was working in his rice field when he sees his son running to him
‘Father, father look’ , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ‘ The Americans have gone to the moon ‘.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
‘All of them’
‘No just 3’, replies the kid
‘Damn it’
14. Why don’t Americans ever play hide and seek? Because they can’t resist being in the spotlight.
15. An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. “Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians.”
The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, “I can’t say about the police and the trains, but you’re probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French – and the customers are all Americans.”
16. Why don’t Americans ever tell secrets on the farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
17. A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said “Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians”.
“Indeed we are”, replied the Canadian gentleman.
“I hope you won’t mind my asking,” said the Brit, “but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?”
“Well,” replied the Canadian gentlman, “one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known.”
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, “And what’s that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?”
“Oh, that’s to remind us of the six words of our national motto,” the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit asked, “And what are those six words?”
The Canadian smiled and replied, “They are ‘Don’t blame us – we’re not Americans.'”
18. The only time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
19. If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language? An American.
20. What did the cowboy choose as his Twitch Username? Jolly Rancher.

21. What did Biggie say after looking at the map of the United States? “Where Brooklyn At!?”
22. Why did the President ban the sale of shredded cheese? Because he wants to make America grate again.
23. Why did the Californian bring a surfboard to the desert? Because they heard there were some gnarly sand waves rolling in!
24. What did the Atlantan rap duo who did hip hop covers of Queen songs call themselves? Bohemian Rap City.
25. Why haven’t Americans changed their weighing method from pounds to kilograms? Because they don’t want mass confusion!
26. Why does my friend spend one-quarter of his time playing American Football and another 25% playing piano? He’s a Quarterbach.
27. When do Americans and the rest of the world reach consensus? When it’s -40°.
28. Why do Germans love Americans? Because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
29. Why did the American bring a ladder to the barbershop? They wanted a high and tight haircut!
30. It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore. I just bought a new TV. and it said “Built in antenna”. I don’t even know where that is!
31. Why did the American bring a ladder to the bar? Because they heard the drinks were on the house!
32. Why did the American bring a suitcase to the restaurant? They heard it was an “all-you-can-eat” buffet!

33. I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
34. How do you make an American laugh on a Saturday? Tell them a joke on a Wednesday!
35. Why did the American work at a bakery? He kneaded dough.
36. How do you confuse an American? Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
37. What do you call an American who can play the accordion? A Yankee Doodle Dandy!
38. What’s the difference between an American and an Englishman? To an Englishman, 100 miles is a long way. To an American, 100 years is a long time
39. Why do Americans love baseball so much? Because it’s the only place they can get three strikes and still not be out.

Best jokes about the US
The United States is easy to joke about, and these jokes will definitely make you chuckle.
40. A young Mexican man was curious about America so he snuck across the border.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
“What happened?” asked his family.
“Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me, and said, “Jose, can you see?”
41. Why do they need to add three more states to the United States of America? 53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.
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42. What’s the most unfair thing about American politics? They get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for the president.
43. Why was the ocean so friendly with the USA? It waved at everyone, especially those on the East and West Coasts!
44. What’s the difference between the US and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
45. What do a beach and an American beer have in common? They’re both close to water!
46. Why don’t scientists trust atoms in the USA? Because they make up everything, just like politicians.
47. A nice Scottish lad moves to New York. After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
48. What’s the difference between America and Canada? The Americans have really nice neighbors.
Short jokes about Americans and the US
These short jokes keep it straight to the point and make fun of Americans in a quick and easy way.
49. What’s an American’s favorite vegetable? The “freedom” fry.

50. How do you get an American’s attention? Yell, “Buffet’s open!”
51. Why did the American hamburger go to the gym? To get its buns in shape!
52. What do you call an American cat? A “Purr-sident.”
53. In Britain we call it a “lift” but Americans call it an “elevator”. I guess we’re just raised differently.
54. In America, why would it be bad to hunt the national animal? Because it’s ill-eagle.
55. How do American cows stay fit? They moo-ve to the pasture and enjoy a “grass-fed” lifestyle!
56. What’s the official dance of the United States? The Electoral College shuffle!
57. What is a Karen called in Europe? An American.
58. What’s a cowboy’s favorite type of math? Cow-culus.
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59. What’s an American superhero’s favorite snack? Just-ice cream!

60. What did the American flag say to the pole? Nothing, it just waved!
61. What’s Barack Obama’s favorite exercise? Running for office!
62. 9 out of 10 Americans are stupid…I’m so glad I’m in the 1%.
63. How does an American make tea? They drown it in the Boston Harbor.
64. Do you know why God created wars ? To teach Americans geography.
65. How do you organize a space party in the USA? You “planet”!
66. What do you call a long piece of writing about America? A U essay.
67. What do you call smart person in America? A tourist.
68. Why did the American chef become a gardener? Because he wanted to “grow” the economy.
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69. What will the temperature of the water be when you visit America? It depends on what state it’s in!
70. What’s the most depressing place to live in America? Missouri.
71. Why don’t Americans eat snails? Because they like fast food.
72. What do you call an American bison who goes to the gym? A buff fellow.

73. How does an American find the United States on a map? They color it in!
74. What’s an egg’s favorite vacation spot? New Yolk City.
75. How many Americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon? 4.
76. My friend calls me up and asks “Hey are you free tonight?” And I say of course, I’m American.
77. What’s America’s favorite kind of tea? Liber-tea
78. Why are there hardly any knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings!
79. Why is everybody in Canada a lot cooler than the USA? Because of their winter.
80. Where did the vampire get school supplies for his son? Pennsylvania.
81. What did Tennessee see that left it speechless? The same thing Arkansas.
82. Why are there no more minerals on the West Coast? Because they Oregon.

83. Which bus was the first to go from Spain to America? Columbus.
84. Why did the New Yorkers speak slowly to Southerners? Because they wanted to give them the chance to catch up.
85. Why are there no Xbox or PCs in Pennsylvania? Because it’s always Sony in Philadelphia.
86. The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
87. What were the famous last words of the redneck stuntman? “Hold my beer and watch!”
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88. What did Delaware wear for the football match? Her New Jersey.
89. What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
90. What’s an American’s favorite type of music? Yankee Doodle Pop.
91. Why did the American put their money in the blender? They wanted to make liquid assets!
92. How was the airport security in Los Angeles? Quite LAX.

Best jokes about American country music
There’s nothing more American than country music, and these jokes are some of our favorites.
93. Which country and jazz instrument does Donald Trump like to play? A Trump-et.
94. How many country singers do you need to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it and the other to sing about the good times they had with the old bulb.
95. What do you get when you play country music backwards? Your entire life back.
96. Why are national anthems so grounded and seem ancient? Well, they are basically just country music!
97. Why did the country musician lose his sponsorship with Coca Cola? Because his songs weren’t pop enough for them!
98. What would happen if Keith Urban became obsessed with country music? He would change his name to Keith Rural!
99. Why aren’t tubas used in country music? Because they’re made of heavy metal.
Dark jokes about Americans
Let’s face it – dark jokes are often the funniest, which is why we collected the best slightly offensive jokes about Americans here.
100. In a year, what do you call America? A wasteland.
101. The federal government is trying to decide whether The FBI, the CIA, or the Los Angeles Police Department is the most effective at apprehending criminals. The issue is to be decided with a test – a rabbit is put in a forest and each organization has to find it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!
102. Three recently deceased persons, a Brit, a Russian, and an American, are making their way down to Hell. Each is carrying something with him: The Brit is carrying a shovel, the Russian is carrying an extra pair of shoes, and the American is carrying some cans of liquid. As they trudge along, the American asks his comrades why they’re carrying the things they are.
The Brit responds, “Well, sir, I know the Devil keeps it awfully hot in Hell, and he makes blokes like us shovel coal to keep it that way. I was always fond of this particular shovel when I worked in the mines back home, so I brought it along for the job.”
The Russian responds, “Like our comrade says, it’s awfully hot in Hell. These shoes have thick soles that protected me from the ice and snow of Siberia, and I’m hoping that they can save my feet from the hot ground on which we’ll be toiling for eternity.”
The American puts down his cans and says in disbelief, “If it’s as hot in Hell as you fellows say, then do you mean I’m not going to be able to get ice for my Coca-Cola?”
103. Why do Americans shake hands as a greeting? To show they’re only holding one gun
104. Why do Americans always carry a pencil? Because you never know when you’ll come across the next draft.
105. What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine? An immigrant.
106. What happened when the American broke his arm? He went broke.

107. It’s so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves.
108. Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance? Neither. They’re immigrants in America.
109. Why do Americans love fast food? Because it’s the only food they can catch!
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110. What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?
“Technologically backward”
What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?
“Economically underdeveloped.”
What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?
“America”

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